TLDR: Here is a summarization of the content in this article:
I will illustrate the difference between the presenting problem (anger, hitting, yelling) and the underlying need (sensory overload, communication breakdown, pain).
I provide the 3-step process: Observe (without judgment), Analyze (what happened before), and Hypothesize (what is the need: I need connection, I need quiet, I need control).
Emphasis that this works for parent behaviour (burnout) too – all living things have behaviour.
I demonstrate how this approach creates a healthier family dynamic.
The Advocate-Alliance Core Philosophy
When your child is yelling, hitting, or shutting down, the world tells you that the yelling, hitting, or shutting down is the problem.
This pressure to stop the behaviour—to correct it, punish it, or contain it—is the single most significant source of conflict and exhaustion in neurodivergent families. Why? Because the behaviour is rarely the real issue.
At Advocate-Alliance, I believe in a foundational truth that changes everything: All behaviour is a symptom of an unmet need (communication).
Your primary job is not to police the symptom, but to become a Needs Translator.
Section 1: The Critical Difference: Symptom vs. Need
We must distinguish between the presenting problem (the symptom) and the underlying need (the cause).
| The Presenting Problem (Symptom) | The Underlying Unmet Need (Cause) |
| Yelling/Screaming | I need control. I need to release auditory pressure. I need to be heard. |
| Hiding Under a Table | I need less visual stimulation. I need deep pressure. I need to escape an impending transition. |
| Aggression (Hitting/Throwing) | I need movement. I need to communicate pain (physical or emotional). I need to feel empowered. |
| Refusal/Avoidance | I need clarity in the instructions. I need processing time. I need a safe way to say “I can’t.” |
When you treat the symptom (yelling), you might achieve silence for a moment, but the underlying need goes unanswered, guaranteeing the behaviour will return, often louder and more aggressive. When you address the need (e.g., providing deep pressure or precise control), the symptom diminishes naturally.
Section 2: Your 3-Step Process for Needs Translation
Translating behaviour requires pausing your emotional reaction and engaging your expert, observant mind.
Step 1: Observe (Without Judgment)
The moment the challenging behaviour starts, your focus should shift to pure, factual observation. Do not attach meaning yet.
- Ask yourself: What is the factual behaviour (e.g., “Hands are hitting the desk,” not “He is having a fit”)? What is the environment doing (the light, the noise, the temperature)?
- Key Focus: Actively listen for the trigger—what happened immediately before the behaviour? Was it a transition? A loud sound? A frustrating task?
Step 2: Analyze (What Happened Before)
This is where you look for patterns and systemic pressures.
- The Context: Did they just come home from school (a demanding environment)? Are they hungry? Did they get less sleep last night?
- The Precedent: Does this behaviour happen only when they are asked to do a task requiring fine motor skills? If so, the need is likely a skill deficit or motor fatigue. Does it only happen after 4 PM? If so, the need is expected capacity depletion or hunger.
Step 3: Hypothesize (Identify the Need)
Based on your observation and analysis, make an educated guess about the core internal state.
- Behaviour: Running away during a park playdate.
- Hypothesis: I need control over this environment, which is too loud and unpredictable.
- Action (Meeting the Need): Give control back. “We can stay for five more minutes, or we can go home right now. You choose.”
Section 4: The Universal Application: This Works for You, Too!
This principle is not reserved for children; it applies to all living things, including the caregiver. Your own behaviour is also communication.
| Caregiver Symptom | Caregiver Unmet Need |
| Rage/Yelling | I need a boundary respected. I need to feel safe and heard. I need to release accumulated systemic stress. |
| Shutdown/Isolation | I need complete sensory quiet. I need relief from executive functioning demands. I need external co-regulation. |
When you snap at your partner or retreat into isolation, your behaviour is communicating your own desperate need for sustainable rest, external support, or a respected boundary. Using this 3-step process on yourself is the first step in burnout management.
This compassionate, expert approach fundamentally transforms the family dynamic: it replaces shame with curiosity, punishment with understanding, and chronic conflict with genuine connection.
Ready to transform your family’s dynamic by becoming an expert Needs Translator? ➡️ Book Your Free Discovery Call to learn how 1:1 Coaching can customize this 3-step process for your unique family.
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